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Stages of healing from abuse
 

  
 

While every individual will go through their own healing experience there are common healing stages. People cycle through these healing stages, moving from one to another and back again, until they have released the past and can concentrate on their present and future unhindered.
 
 
 

1. Acknowledging that abuse occurred

  • Admitting it - no more denial

  • Acknowledging the impacts on you & your life

  • Dealing with the emotions & memories

  • Accepting yourself & your reactions as normal

  • Learning to trust your self & your intuition
     

  
 

2. Making the decision to heal

  • Choosing hope over resignation or despair

  • Making an active commitment to change

  • Putting aside other demands and allowing time to experience emotions, to think about the issues, and to get the necessary help & support

  • Allowing the painful emotions to come up and release - dealing with the chaotic nature of this on your day to day life

  • Finding support - from yourself & others
     

  
  3. Talking to others about the abuse
  • Breaking the silence
  • Reducing shame & guilt by acknowledging out loud that you were abused & it wasn't your fault
  • Choosing who to tell, what you want from them & dealing with their reactions
     
  
  4. Placing responsibility where it belongs
  • Recognising the abuse was the abuser's fault, not yours - you are not to blame at all. You were a child
  • You are not to blame if you went along with it - the abuser had power over you & you didn't have all the information to decide objectively - you were a child
  • In the case of sexual abuse, you are not to blame if your body was aroused - it's a normal bodily response. You're not to blame if you felt positive feelings of intimacy with the abuser - they may have been nice & loving to you when others weren't
  • Any problems that arose within the family as a result of the abuse were not your fault
  • Identify & understand how you were tricked, bribed, threatened or coerced by the abuser - you were used & abused
  • You are strong though - you have survived. You can heal & create the life you want!
     
  
  5. Dealing with the loss and sadness
  • Feeling grief over - what happened to you, your loss of innocence & childhood, the loss of trust, sadness that the relationships weren't the way you would have liked them to be, sadness over the impact of the abuse on you throughout your life
  • If you get depressed, get help to move through it
  • Feel all these feelings, talk to safe people about them, release the emotion - the intensity will pass
     
  
  6. Expressing anger
  • Feeling anger over what happened
  • Expressing anger towards the abuser & others involved, rather than at yourself (This is done in safe & constructive ways in private, not necessarily with the actual people involved)
  • Letting go of the need for retaliation
  • Building self assertion & strength
     
  
  7. Working through the difficulties caused by the abuse
  • Working through difficult physical, social, emotional & behavioural problems
  • Working through unhelpful beliefs about oneself, about abuse or about life in general
     
  
  8. Building a future
  • Accepting the abuse happened & it is part of the past
  • Development of self acceptance & self respect
  • Acknowledging the wisdom & strengths you've gained from surviving the abuse
  • Overcoming residual feelings of vulnerability & lack of confidence
  • Dealing with fear & planning ways to take care of yourself in different situations
  • Setting goals & taking steps to create the life you want
  • Feeling more in control of your life
     
  
 

Summarised from: MacDonald K, Lambie I & Simmonds L, 1995, Counselling for sexual abuse. A therapists guide for working with adults, children and families, Oxford University Press, London, pgs 30-43.

 

Healing Progress -

From Victim to Survivor to Thriver

Victim

Survivor

Thriver
Doesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the "good life." Struggling for reasons & chance to heal Gratitude for everything in life.
Low self esteem/shame/unworthy Sees self as wounded & healing Sees self as an overflowing miracle
Hyper vigilant Using tools to learn to relax Gratitude for new life
Alone Seeking help Oneness
Feels Selfish Deserves to seek help Proud of Healthy Self caring
Damaged Naming what happened Was wounded & now healing
Confusion & numbness Learning to grieve, grieving past aggrieved trauma Grieving at current losses
Overwhelmed by past Naming & grieving what happened Living in the present
Hopeless Hopeful Faith in self & life
Uses outer world to hide from self Stays with emotional pain Understands that emotional pain will pass & brings new insights
Hides their story Not afraid to tell their story to safe people. Beyond telling their story, but always aware they have created their own healing with HP
Believes everyone else is better, stronger, less damaged Comes out of hiding to hear others & have compassion for them & eventually self Lives with an open heart for self & others
Often wounded by unsafe others Learning how to protect self by share, check, share Protects self from unsafe others
Places own needs last Learning healthy needs (See Healing the Child Within & Gift to Myself) Places self first realizing that is the only way to function & eventually help others
Creates one drama after another See patterns Creates peace
Believes suffering is the human condition Feeling some relief, knows they need to continue in recovery Finds joy in peace
Serious all the time Beginning to laugh Seeing the humour in life
Uses inappropriate humour, including teasing Feels associated painful feelings instead Uses healthy humour
Uncomfortable, numb or angry around toxic people Increasing awareness of pain & dynamics Healthy boundaries around toxic people, incl. relatives
Lives in the past Aware of patterns Lives in the Now
Angry at religion Understanding the difference between religion & personal spirituality Enjoys personal relationship with the God of their understanding
Suspicious of therapists-- projects Sees therapist as guide during projections Sees reality as their projection & owns it.
Needs people & chemicals to believe they are all right Glimpses of self-acceptance & fun without others Feels authentic & connected, Whole
"Depression" Movement of feelings Aliveness

 ©Barbara Whitfield 2003 published on http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm

 

Coping when memories of abuse surface

The first thing to realise is that painful memories only surface when we are strong enough to deal with them. They are kept inside until that time—this is a biological safety mechanism. So even though you might not feel strong— you ARE strong enough to deal with it. For me, there have been several ways that memories of sexual abuse have surfaced. Flashbacks during sexual activity or when I’m being touched by a masseuse; body sensations (feeling repulsion, uncomfortable & unsafe) when I interact with certain family members or people who are similar to my abuser & in dreams. Sometimes in dreams I get shown a succession of images of the abuse almost like a series of photographs. Sometimes it’s like a normal dream flicking from real life abusive events to new scenes where I interact with those involved & heal. These dreams are filled with profound symbolism & I am extremely grateful that when they do occur, they seem to be done in a way that is not extremely traumatic. With both types of dreams I wake up stunned, shaken, & shocked. I wonder whether what I saw was real. My body tells me it is, the emotions stirring inside me demand attention. My mind starts analysing—Who did it? When? How often? What did they do? This becomes very painful as I don’t know the answers & wondering about them is scary. I find that after the initial shock, I numb out for a few days. I try not to think about it, to shut it out, telling myself I’m just letting it go!

Unfortunately it’s not that easy. The emotions & the pain of what happened has to be felt & released. I find that after a little while of being numb, I start to feel various emotions—sadness, a sinking feeling, agitation, anger, desperation, hopelessness—it varies. This discomfort builds & builds until I finally break down into tears & release the emotion.

Whatever we resist persists! So it is really important to allow yourself to feel & release the emotions. Writing & drawing how you are feeling helps. Doing Thought Field Therapy to release the trauma and emotions, taking Bach Flower Remedies to support your body, walking in nature, time at the beach, a massage—anything that helps you to connect with yourself & your body helps you to feel, release & shift the painful energy. I find that I feel exhausted as this all occurs, so I need to be extra kind to myself & take time out to rest. I find watching movies helps as I can just chill out & let my body adjust to the changes. Time with understanding friends who love me & counselling/mentoring also helps. I tend to eat more during these times since my body is using up so much energy dealing with it all.

Slowly I find that I start to feel better again. Each time it happens it shifts quicker as I have learnt not to fight it or push it away. I’ve learnt to accept it, feel it, release it. I welcome the memories up so that I can heal & get on with my life. Each time something surfaces & releases I do get greater peace & more ability to feel positive emotions—to enjoy life more. Healing does happen & life does get better. YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!
 

  
 

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